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Sources from within the Black Hebrew Israelites movement claim that the organization will soon unveil its plans to rebrand as the ‘Black Irish’. The ongoing dust-up between Israel and Palestine has created an impossible marketing situation for the religious movement in recent years. Many members feel as though their group is being viewed as a joke or a distraction from the situation in Gaza. Some have even raised concerns that increasing online antisemitism will soon spill over to Black Hebrews too.
The issue came to a breaking point recently when a prominent member of the Jewish community made some scathing remarks about Black Israelites amidst a rant targeting a popular conservative pundit, Candice Owens. Rabbi Shmuley exclaimed:
“She [Owens] is probably in the pocket of the Black Hebrew Israelites or some other quackpot group! They are less than relevant by the way! They’re a JOKE! They are nothing more than a modern day minstrel show!.... a jewish minstrel show I mean… a reverse minstrel show....”
Uncertain how to navigate the enormous embarrassment that Black Israelites suffered by Shmuley’s tirade, the executive committee of the movement called an emergency special general meeting to discuss and vote on their response. An intern for SlightlyOffensive attended the recent meeting in Bushwick NYC to get the scoop. Ezekial X writes:
The executive rushed through the usual business to arrive at the most critical item on the agenda, the new name of the organisation. The Secretary introduced the item by noting that, due to the ongoing situation in the Holy Land, Black Israelites had fallen into obscurity and were losing brand recognition and positive impressions with younger generations. The only sensible solution the executive sees is to rebrand and rebuild. They then called upon the members to bring forward ideas for new names for the organisation.
Suggestions ranged from cringe-worthy to ridiculous.One member put forward the idea of ‘Black Africans’, claiming that the group should refocus their militant pride onto the theme of ‘civilisational entrepreneurship’ which has already been ascribed to them by scientists. This motion was met with resounding ‘boos’ and ‘hell naws’ from the crowd and was not seconded by anybody.
Another member took the floor to propose the title ‘Black Russians’. The man’s sincere words were met by raucous laughter and wolf-whistling from the other members. He was asked to return to his seat by the Secretary who invited him to “take that foolishness to the bar across the street…. go ahead and ask old PJ O’Reilly for a black russian. He’ll be sure to sort you out, young man”. More hysterics ensued as the young member promptly wandered out of the hall to apparently attend the Irish pub in question.
Evidently the ending to the scene planted the seed of an idea in the crowd, because the next suggestion shouted out was “hey, why not ‘Black Irish’”. Murmurs flurried through the hall at this moment, and then the Secretary promptly called for someone to second the motion. Many shouts of aye echoed through the suddenly serious assembly of men. “All in favour?” called the Secretary, and nearly all hands shot up to the ceiling. With the motion clearly passed, the Secretary’s gabble cracked and the room erupted in applause and excited discourse, drowning out the chirping of the smoke detector.
Despite the quick and unanimous resolution, there are already troubles brewing on the horizon. The executive committee has been quick to produce the necessary historical texts that unravel prevailing YT myths. One such myth tells of a Spanish ship that wrecked on the emerald Isles in the 16th century, introducing a new swarthy element into the local gene pool.
Countering this, the Black Irish (religious movement) believe that they are descended from Jesus and his apostles, who apparently sailed from Caesarea, Israel on a raft. They brought many cultural objects with them including pots of gold, shillelaghs, and Guinness beer too. They knew the secret formula to Irish Spring Soap, which they made in abundance, so they could show the locals how to wash their nasty shins. Although these are all rich and plausible details of Black Irish history, the one thing the executive cannot agree upon is whether the Black Irish are canonically Protestant or Catholic. Factions have quickly formed within their ranks and only time will tell if the sectarian struggle takes the violent turn that is so typical of the fighting Black Irish.
